First Love



I don’t know if I should write about this. I chose to write because I think this is a part of my life and I don’t want to pretend that it didn’t happen.

This post is about the first time I thought I am in love. I was in a long- distance relationship for four years, not that I find it necessary to mention it was a long distance relationship, but I suppose it is customary to do so.

So, the guy I would call him “axe”. I came in contact with him through a common cousin. This cousin although never came to know about our relationship. Anyways, we started talking on phone and then one day he just proposed me, out of no where. I wasn’t expecting it and I didn’t want it. I said no again and again, but he kept on insisting and convincing. I discussed it with a friend and although she didn’t approve of it totally. she suggested me to give it a chance. I thought fine everybody has boyfriends nowadays. Big deal!

So, I said yes. As I have mentioned it, it was a long distance relationship. We depended on telephone a lot and there were no probable plans of meeting. I was in 12th standard then. Eventually, the calls started becoming lesser and lesser. The first break-up happened in the first six months. I never called him back. Never texted him after that. After, three months or so I was even over him. But, then he had to encroach again. So, he did. This time it was going fine but then after one year we broke up again. This time because of the reason of his friend who called me up in the middle of the night (not for random chit chat) and she told me she is dating him and I shouldn’t interfere. I was shocked, taken aback, hurt and angry. I swore I will never talk to him again, but I still wanted an explanation as I thought he owed me one. He gave me some random shit and conveyed he doesn’t want a relationship.

I don’t exactly remember why and how he again contacted me after some time. After the second break up, things eventually started getting sort of better. There were no fights, no arguments and no short term break ups for a long time. I got into college and he opted for CA.
At this point, when everything was normal, I (the stupid woman that I am) started believing that our relationship would make it through all the ups and downs. I thought he is the one I am supposed to marry and settle down with. In all, I had fallen for him. Not, that he deserved any of it. He came to Indore for his coaching classes and since I was in Bhopal, we were virtually closer. I also noticed some big time changes in him. He was much more caring now. He took interest in whatever I was doing. He listened to me. You must be thinking what so great about all this. Every guy who loves you does that. However, this was not at all or in any measure normal or obvious for me. Ion the other hand, during this time turned very impatient. I fought a lot and never listened to him. I till today believe I shouldn’t have acted that way because he was changing for me.

My relationship was not a very sweet relationship. I loved him dearly. But, there were too many loopholes, too many downs to counterbalance the ups and the traditional time constraints. He always gave me the reason that he doesn’t have time, although I knew he doesn’t really do anything (forget studying). I never understood why can’t he take out time for me, what he does all day long, and how can he be so irresponsible not to talk to me for atleast once in a week.

He is a rich lad. And never failed to express it. The biggest mistake I made of course after choosing to date him was to introduce him to gappa. She hated him, still hates him. I wonder sometimes why I didn’t listen to her, why I didn’t dump him when she told me he is not the right person after talking to him for just once. I now know why. I was too afraid to let go of all the hard work, time and effort which I invested in him. I thought and waited and hoped he would change for me. Change his ways of talking and dealing with me. Be a little respectful. But, then I was too afraid, too scared to let him go.

And, then I think even god had had enough. He by mistake once gave me his facebook password to make some changes in his settings. I logged into his account, and thought I am his girlfriend and I can read his messages, as until then I thought he tells me everything. I went through all the messages one by one, tears started pouring like tsunami out of my eyes (a tear or two still trickles down as I think about it). He was cheating on me. Not from a month, six months or a year. But, from the very beginning, from day one. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Hoped this is a nightmare and is soon going to end. Wished he didn’t give me his facebook password. I was crying like hell, called Crazy Shopper. She came to my room horrified. Found me in a terrible state. Went to bring water. I was so shocked that I didn’t believe in any of it, when it was all in front of me.

I called him and asked for an explanation. He didn’t receive my call for three days at stretch. I don’t even remember the number of nights I spent crying, actually wailing. I didn’t go home for some time of the fear what if someone saw me crying. The crying part still haunts me sometimes although its more than a year when I last talked to him. I am very sure, I won’t ever be able to love someone like that again, I won’t trust someone ever again, he just killed all the emotions and dreams, the worst part is the more I try to forget him, the more I end up crying over him. I can’t forgive him for sure. I never had that in my nature.

Sometime back someone told me that I don’t have close friends because I am too selfish and self-centered. I am telling them now, yes I am selfish and I think about myself over everybody and everything because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to cry all night and give reasons for my swollen eyes the next morning. I don’t want to end up being a bitter woman. I don’t want to fall in love. I believe it is something that strikes only people lucky enough and I don’t belong to that category. I would never wish that something like this ever happens with anybody. I didn’t really share the details of what really my relationship was like, because I am too embarrassed and ashamed. I hate axe. I hate him like anything. I know I am ranting and being ridiculous, but I curse the day he was born.


6 thoughts on “First Love

  1. Never knew so much about him, he deserves to be hated,hated and hated. I hated him from the first time I spoke to him.

    There is a faint line between understanding, judging and recognizing the wrong people. You wrote that some one told you do not have many close friends because you are selfish. I say it is because of the fact that you cannot distinguish between the wrong and the right ones and chose to judge even before recognizing and understanding.

    Give yourself time.1 wrong guy cannot take away the trust and faith love brings.

  2. I know the pain, the raw emotions you are feeling for I too have been in a very similar condition recently (though it was cause of breakup and betrayal at the hands of my husband).

    I have learnt an important lesson, love exists, it’s just a matter of time and you too shall experience it firsthand.

    Hope you feel better soon 🙂

  3. First of all, thank you so much for visiting the blog 🙂
    Secondly, I won’t say much as we both know how bad it was and how happy we are now without them….let’s just spread and enjoy the crazy happiness 😀
    Yup, love does exist….and I really hope I find it, otherwise I will plant a bomb against the entire male breed 😉

    I do feel good….and I hope you are doing great too!!
    *Hugs back*

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