I have meaning to write this post from long. However, I was struggling with words and wanted it to be close enough to describe what I feel everyday.
I never really thought that there will be a day when I wouldn’t know where you are, what you are doing, what you ate or how many cigarettes you smoked? I always believed that whatever happens, whomever I meet in my life you are one permanent pillar. Standing right beside me, protecting me, listening to me, accepting me and encouraging me.
All this suddenly changed. For the first time, we didn’t talk for eight months. Do you know what eight months mean?
I derive so many beliefs, principles and thoughts from you. I derive my strength from you. Now, when you are not with me, I feel I am weak. I feel there is a part inside me which wants to cry bitterly and badly but can’t because you are not there to comfort me. I want to talk about so many things, share so much that my memory has started aching keeping a track record of what to remember and what not to. I want you to give me those full of love visits to my college, taking me with you and not giving a damn about your work.
I want you to discuss your fears and worries with me. Plan all those big business ideas. And the best part, you preparing tea for us at your home. I loved it when you got the room on the second floor in the twelfth standard. I remember meeting Patel there for the first time. I loved it when you described to me on phone how he proposed his girlfriend.
I don’t know why dost, life seems dull without you. I feel incomplete. I had this stupid confidence in myself because I knew you believe in me. I thought I am smart, because you felt the same. I am no more confident, forget feeling smart. I think people around me are so much smarter, confident, luckier than me. I think its only struggle written all over my kundali. It’s been a year since I last saw you. I atleast upload pictures on facebook, you don’t even do that.
I always told you that I don’t like it when you drink (I know I am sounding like a typical female here), but now you always talk about your drinking adventures. I feel so alienated with the kind of life you are now leading. I can’t even understand your love for alcohol or smoke partly because I don’t consume it and partly because you know I won’t ever consume it.
Also, I feel defeated. I feel that I haven’t been able to live upto your expectations. You have no doubt always lived upto mine. You are the perfect friend, the patient listener, the strong shoulder, the comforting pillow, the cute kid, the mature man, the strict teacher, the one person I can rely on blind folded. Popsy and you always defined man for me. How both of you take care of people surrounding you. After breaking up with axe, it was you whom I could confide in with my fears.
After four years of knowing you and growing up with you, it’s high time that you must know YOU ARE IRREPLACEABLE. Nobody, I am very sure can ever take your place. If I could, I would have folded your body and kept you with me whole my life in a suitcase so that you can’t escape. I still feel I have not done justice with this post, I also feel I have never done justice with our relationship.
I miss you everyday, every second and every micro second of my life. I know you will read this and call me up and tell me that where ever we are, with whomever nobody can never change anything between us. And, I know you will try and be with me even if it is not possible for you. But, I never wanted us to end like this. To be with each other only in the times of need. Honestly, I have never wanted us to end. You left and a part of my good luck also went. I won’t ask you to come back, dharm sankat hai tujhe I know. That is why, from now on I will write letters to you describing from how my day went to what you shouldn’t eat when you catch cold to I don’t like Malaika Arora Khan.
Just know that a girl in some part of the world loves you and cares for you.