Failed you !!


Disclaimer– This post comes out of frustration, waiting and crying. I know it seems kind of an attention seeking post, but I had no one to talk to and I can’t keep things inside me. I felt the need to get this thing out of me. Do not read if you think you are a happy person. It is a request.

When I got into 10th standard, I had this weird confidence within me. I was never scared of anything. I could very well face things in life (not that there were really big things to face, it was just usual study stuff). But, still I remember being self-confident, uptight and happy.

Then, I got into 11th standard. It was good. It was how it was supposed to be. I used to study, attend coaching classes, bunk classes and be with friends.

12th standard came and nothing changed. Except that now I had a boyfriend. I used to wait weeks, sometimes months to talk to him as I owned no personal cell phone. Things were going fine or maybe I just tricked myself into believing that things were fine. Four years went by and I broke up. On a bad bad note.

All this while, there was only one person I used to be close to and that was dost. He knows everything and knowing everything he still kept on trusting my trust in him. But, eventually I even lost dost. We don’t talk anymore. Next, college life happened and I met new faces. It will be four years in college as well, but not one person whom I could call a good friend. Not that it is their fault. But, wait I met Rash in college. He is someone I could always count upon.

What I realize today when I look back at the last five years of my life, that I have gained nothing as compared to what I have lost. I have lost some very close people. People I never imagined would go away from me. Leave me. Turn their back on me. Β People whom I always thought would be there with me lifelong. I know you might be thinking that I am expecting a lot from life, that things don’t always happen the way we want them to, that there might be no further road beyond that turn you took, that everything in life comes with an expiry date and that you lose people.

But, what remains in my mind is a question that why always I am the one at the losing end? Why always people leave me and I don’t leave them? Why is it that I cry over people and the other person doesn’t seem to care?

Is it because, I am the one who always makes mistakes?I am the one who is always wrong? I am the one who deserves to be left?

Yes, I guess so. So today after parting from another close friend, I accept the fact that there is something wrong with me within me. That everytime I think this person is never going anywhere, God slaps my face for a reality check. I promise myself from today onwards, I am never going to get close to anybody. No matter what No matter how inviting the friendship part looks. Never. I don’t want to carry with me a list of ruined and failed relationships. I swear to god, no more close friends from this day onwards.


7 thoughts on “Failed you !!

  1. Tight Hugs DD…I can sense it in your words how hurt and sad you are feeling.

    Trust me when I say I know what you mean for I have actually felt the same not very long ago.

    Life will feel unjust, dark and very depressing, for you were the one who was emotionally attached and had not seen this break up coming. But this doesn’t mean you were the one in wrong, neither are you the weak one.

    Life has a way of teaching things. Always remember,” Into what God guides, he provides”.

    Please take care of yourself……tight hugs dear

    Sending loads of positive vibes and prayers your way!

    • I know ME, infact I survived thinking that whatever god does he has something good in store for us in future, but then all this I don’t believe is true any longer. I am sounding all negative and silly, and there are people who have more tough battles to take care of, but I have learnt one thing very clearly now, the closer we get to someone there are chances he/she would hurt us more. So stay at a distance and be happy.

      Hugs back πŸ™‚ And thank you so much πŸ™‚

  2. I think a bit of an introspection will help. You know why the relationships went wrong. There are so many alarm bells before that happens. And it is not always your fault. Sometimes you invest in the wrong kind of people. They might not be bad people, but might not be the right kind of people for you. It happens.
    And if you think you haven’t done anything wrong, then it is fine. Don’t find reasons to blame yourself. Life throws new surprises at all of us, do not give up so soon. πŸ™‚
    Hope you find your peace soon. πŸ™‚

    • Welcome to my blog Amit πŸ™‚
      Yes, I agree with what you said. It is just that maybe I don’t want life to throw any lemons at me, because I don’t really like lemonade. And , you might find a wrong person once, twice but if that happens more than frequently then you need to give up on your luck/expectations/aspirations and what not 😦

      It was really nice of you for trying to help πŸ™‚

  3. People change. The person you were in high school is different from the person in uni and the person you are now. Sometimes people just develop from the same starting point into opposite directions. Sometimes they are wrapped up with their own life and just cant relate as well as before. What matters isnt the amount of contact but the intensity. If they are still there for you when it gets really rough then they will be your friends no matter the distance. But if you are just sufficating them they will move farther and farther.

    • Welcome to my space πŸ™‚
      I totally agree with you. People change. But, here I am talking about people who were till very recently with me. It is not that we parted long way back. Also, I am very sure that they will always be with me whenever I need them to be and I will be there with them, when they need me. What I long for is a continuous and consistent contact, which isn’t possible 😦

      • Its just my theory that in the 20s people start moving at different paces and different directions. Some get demanding jobs,others start families, there just is less time and you meet new people that share your new interests and thats why contact with school friends goes down. My mom still has best friends from her teens and they just contact very sporadicly because they are living very different lives. I think thats normal. New friends are a new adventure.

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