Disclaimer– This post comes out of frustration, waiting and crying. I know it seems kind of an attention seeking post, but I had no one to talk to and I can’t keep things inside me. I felt the need to get this thing out of me. Do not read if you think you are a happy person. It is a request.
When I got into 10th standard, I had this weird confidence within me. I was never scared of anything. I could very well face things in life (not that there were really big things to face, it was just usual study stuff). But, still I remember being self-confident, uptight and happy.
Then, I got into 11th standard. It was good. It was how it was supposed to be. I used to study, attend coaching classes, bunk classes and be with friends.
12th standard came and nothing changed. Except that now I had a boyfriend. I used to wait weeks, sometimes months to talk to him as I owned no personal cell phone. Things were going fine or maybe I just tricked myself into believing that things were fine. Four years went by and I broke up. On a bad bad note.
All this while, there was only one person I used to be close to and that was dost. He knows everything and knowing everything he still kept on trusting my trust in him. But, eventually I even lost dost. We don’t talk anymore. Next, college life happened and I met new faces. It will be four years in college as well, but not one person whom I could call a good friend. Not that it is their fault. But, wait I met Rash in college. He is someone I could always count upon.
What I realize today when I look back at the last five years of my life, that I have gained nothing as compared to what I have lost. I have lost some very close people. People I never imagined would go away from me. Leave me. Turn their back on me. People whom I always thought would be there with me lifelong. I know you might be thinking that I am expecting a lot from life, that things don’t always happen the way we want them to, that there might be no further road beyond that turn you took, that everything in life comes with an expiry date and that you lose people.
But, what remains in my mind is a question that why always I am the one at the losing end? Why always people leave me and I don’t leave them? Why is it that I cry over people and the other person doesn’t seem to care?
Is it because, I am the one who always makes mistakes?I am the one who is always wrong? I am the one who deserves to be left?
Yes, I guess so. So today after parting from another close friend, I accept the fact that there is something wrong with me within me. That everytime I think this person is never going anywhere, God slaps my face for a reality check. I promise myself from today onwards, I am never going to get close to anybody. No matter what No matter how inviting the friendship part looks. Never. I don’t want to carry with me a list of ruined and failed relationships. I swear to god, no more close friends from this day onwards.