Sick and Tired :'(

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I am fed up. I can’t do this anymore. And now I am very sure I don’t want it. If this is how it is making me feel even before it started full-fledgedly, I shiver at the thought of how it would be after that. So, from today onwards no more expecting, sharing, being a friend. From today, it is about me and just me. I don’t care what you are going to think about me or if you would be angry. Because I don’t deserve such behaviour. Your behaviour has confirmed one thing for sure, all men are the same and there are no exceptions whatsoever.

I swear I will never call you again. And I will make sure that you never see me ever again.

STOP being a man !!

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400424_523948720953073_125078230_nI have no words, just anger and hatred for the manner men in this country behave. The idea of first owning a woman like a property, objectifying her, abusing in her name and raping her, is this all that a woman is for on earth? No Is this all a woman is for in our country?

First molest her, assault her and then if this doesn’t satisfy your manhood, go rape her. Rape her because she wasn’t properly dressed, rape her because she was asking for it, rape her because she is a divorcee, rape her because she was alone at night (doesn’t matter if it is a secluded street or a busy road), rape her because she has a boyfriend, rape her because she goes to pubs and drinks, rape her because if she has consensual sex with somebody, she can have it with everybody and anybody, rape her because you think she is a slut. Rape her because she is a woman. Rape her because she deserves it.

Do not leave her. Teach her a lesson. Let her know that you are above everything, the law and the morals (if you have any). Prove it to her, that the age old practice of killing the female foetus inside the womb was so correct, that being born as a girl is not only incorrect, but a sin in itself. For this is a nation where Sita was abandoned, Draupadi was gambled, Anusuya had to prove her chastity and Ahalya was converted to a stone. So, how can any practice of Indian society be wrong? Because this is a great nation. Indeed it is. So nothing that we practice, nothing that we believe in and nothing that we preach, nothing can ever be wrong.

Years have passed by. Decades no, centuries actually. Nations who were nothing when we thrived and proved our might everyday are now some of the most safest places for women on earth. They have acknowledged that a nation can be nothing not even zero without women. But we, we still believe that we cannot exist without men. And yes, this proves we are a great nation. I submit to it. We are. And the manner things have been going around and the women being raped, we will always be a great nation.

I have male friends, always had. But, I never discussed any of such incidents with them for I was too embarrassed and ashamed of the details. I once brought up the topic in front of a male friend and pat came his reply, What if she is making it all up? How do you know if she was REALLY raped? And I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t answer not because I agree with him, but because I wanted to slap him. I want to tell him this now, no sane or rationale man (yes I am not using person but man) would ever think that a woman would go through all what she has to in this country after getting raped just for the fun of it. For you are too shallow to even think like that and too courageous to say it.

After that conversation, I believe that nothing in this country can change the centuries old male dominant characteristic of our society. Yes, I am giving up and yes I am generalizing because if highly educated men talk like this, how can you even expect uneducated and drunk men to BEHAVE when they see a woman alone or when it comes to helping one while she is in trouble. What we need are not self-defense classes for women or pepper spray or long nails, we need HOW TO CONTROL YOURSELF DAMMIT classes for men. They need counselling. They need to be taught that we are equal and not a sex object. And we are equal not because the law of the country says so, who cares about the law anyways. We are equal, because we always were. If you don’t accept or if you can’t accept something, it doesn’t become invisible. I have always wanted to be a mother of three daughters. I don’t know why three. But yes. Now, I don’t even want one, but neither do I desire for a son. I don’t want my daughters to grow up all scared and question their existence. I would rather abort them, then giving them a life lacking dignity and respect.

You don’t prove your manhood when you rape a woman. You don’t prove your manhood, when you pass lewd comments. You don’t prove your manhood, when you stare. You don’t prove your manhood, when you preach and you don’t definitely prove manhood by standing aside when a woman is being raped. I hope this is helpful in clarifying the criteria for proving your manhood. For I won’t say more on manhood, because what do I know about it, I am a woman. The same manner do not dare speak or question a woman or her story, because you know nothing about it, because you are not a woman.

What you can do is which might be a little helpful, is STOP being a man, be a human. That is enough for a lifetime. Some people are of the view that the Delhi rape case is being hyped (http://justicekatju.blogspot.in/2013/01/why-middle-class-is-at-barricades_7.html), that this nation has too many problems at hand to direct all our energies and resources towards a single rape case. Yes, I agree we have too many issues to deal with as a nation, but this isn’t a reason to not HYPE this incident. It needs to be hyped because anyways the fire will die down eventually. And the victim who is fighting for her life in the hospital, would thank god for not letting her live in a country where she would have to die everyday afterwards. For what lies in front of her is the tattered, insensitive and outraging procedure of the court.

I pray for her. And I pray for every woman who dares to be herself, dresses as she likes and be herself. I also pray for women who are shattered and traumatized. Somehow, I don’t feel positive about praying, for even god I presume is a man.

Am I too naive??

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Sometimes, no not actually sometimes it is almost everyday that I suddenly realize and yes even if it is everyday, the realization is sudden and feels new and fresh every time it dawns on me. So, where I was? Yes, the realization.

The almost-everyday-yet-sudden-realization  is that I am too, way too stupid and you know sometimes innocent and some times just naive to understand people. To understand what they are hinting at. To understand that maybe they are with you just because they need you now at this point in their life.

I once used to believe that I know people I am friends with. I mean I atleast know people I am close to. But, now it seems that i don’t know anybody. Every time I start believing in someone, something happens which pushes me into thinking that exactly why did it happen? This leads to me getting all negative about everything and I refuse to trust people, yes I refuse to even have faith in people whom I consider to be my best friends.

I accept the fact that a person has different layers when it comes to one’s character or nature. But, how am I supposed to act according to what layer you are wearing today? How am I supposed to know how much do you want to talk today? etc etc.

This has led me to cut my contacts, I have even stopped talking to a number of people I liked talking to before. I just can’t understand people, how hard I try. I just couldn’t. I will still laugh with them, be happy for them, care for them and even  work for them sometimes, but I don’t know if they really want to be with me or they are just being with me maybe because they can’t ignore me or something alike. I feel if I am just getting older and not wiser. Meeting different people should have atleast taught me something, but that also hasn’t been helpful.

I lack in wisdom, judgment and I am naturally naive. Yes, that is what I am. It is like sometimes I just can’t bear those people and at other times I feel I don’t have anybody else to go to. I feel I have limited options and they are all bad. I can’t go back to the people I lost contact with, because now that is selfish. And, I can’t make new friends because it takes a lot to build a relationship, a worthy relationship and I do not have the required patience and tolerance to go through it all.

I guess this is why I like being alone. You know you don’t have to explain anybody anything, you can be yourself and the best part is you are not being judged. Also, you don’t feel like the other person is disappointing you because you were always there when he/she needed you. And the best part is you don’t get hurt. I think I should take some serious and strong steps in order that I am no longer being taken for granted. That other people should understand that I too have  a life of my own, my own problems and my life doesn’t really revolve around them.