Sometimes, no not actually sometimes it is almost everyday that I suddenly realize and yes even if it is everyday, the realization is sudden and feels new and fresh every time it dawns on me. So, where I was? Yes, the realization.
The almost-everyday-yet-sudden-realization is that I am too, way too stupid and you know sometimes innocent and some times just naive to understand people. To understand what they are hinting at. To understand that maybe they are with you just because they need you now at this point in their life.
I once used to believe that I know people I am friends with. I mean I atleast know people I am close to. But, now it seems that i don’t know anybody. Every time I start believing in someone, something happens which pushes me into thinking that exactly why did it happen? This leads to me getting all negative about everything and I refuse to trust people, yes I refuse to even have faith in people whom I consider to be my best friends.
I accept the fact that a person has different layers when it comes to one’s character or nature. But, how am I supposed to act according to what layer you are wearing today? How am I supposed to know how much do you want to talk today? etc etc.
This has led me to cut my contacts, I have even stopped talking to a number of people I liked talking to before. I just can’t understand people, how hard I try. I just couldn’t. I will still laugh with them, be happy for them, care for them and even work for them sometimes, but I don’t know if they really want to be with me or they are just being with me maybe because they can’t ignore me or something alike. I feel if I am just getting older and not wiser. Meeting different people should have atleast taught me something, but that also hasn’t been helpful.
I lack in wisdom, judgment and I am naturally naive. Yes, that is what I am. It is like sometimes I just can’t bear those people and at other times I feel I don’t have anybody else to go to. I feel I have limited options and they are all bad. I can’t go back to the people I lost contact with, because now that is selfish. And, I can’t make new friends because it takes a lot to build a relationship, a worthy relationship and I do not have the required patience and tolerance to go through it all.
I guess this is why I like being alone. You know you don’t have to explain anybody anything, you can be yourself and the best part is you are not being judged. Also, you don’t feel like the other person is disappointing you because you were always there when he/she needed you. And the best part is you don’t get hurt. I think I should take some serious and strong steps in order that I am no longer being taken for granted. That other people should understand that I too have a life of my own, my own problems and my life doesn’t really revolve around them.