What to write about??

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I have been searching for a decent topic to write upon for a week now. I couldn’t find any. I log into my wordpress account, read other blogs and log out. Until tonight, I realized I created the blog to write whatever is going on in my mind, life and heart. I need not think about ‘decent’ stuff to pen it down. I can write ridiculous stuff if that unloads me from stress.  So here is a list of events going on and around me for sometime now.

Pink got engaged earlier this year to her boyfriend. She will get married on 25th November, 2013. I am very happy for her. But, somewhere I don’t want her to be married. What will I do without her? She is with me from L.K.G. And now suddenly she is off to live with someone else. And I haven’t even met her boyfriend. Just saw his pictures on facebook. He has a big joint family. I know Pink doesn’t mind because she herself has been living in a joint family and she believes that such issues are not really big if you want to live with the guy whom you are in love with. I will do a detailed post on her shopping, and other paraphernalia later.

Rash and I have stopped talking to each other. The way he made it sound, I am quite sure he was serious and meant it. My relationship with him pushes me to think about how after a certain point of time, you change for the people you once believed you are never going to live without. Why and how do you decide that you do not want that person to be in your life anymore? Where do you get that self-control from everytime you feel like talking, sharing, crying or just joking? I have no clue. Guess, I am strong enough to do that. I will never be that strong.

Crazy Shopper is one chuppa rustum. I sometimes just love the way she handles herself emotionally. I can never do that. If something happens, I turn into a total cry baby. I have no clue what made her take those decisions, but I want to let her know that whatever happens I will always be with her, supporting her, loving her, caring for her and never judging her. That’s what friends are for? Hai na !!

I want to study. I just can’t. I hate the fact that even my 4th year is going to end in another 2 months. Time flies. No, it actually competes with light in matters of speed. I never believed that I will make life long friends in college. But I am lucky to have found some. I eat with them, sleep with them, cry in front of them and share with them. My existence in college is surrounded and settled around them. God knows what would I do without them. Phew!!

I want to go to sunburn. I have never been to crazy places before. I have never ever been inside a pub (okay only once!!). But, I want to do crazy stuff now. I have always been too alert and cautious. I want to leave my comfort zone and experiment with different things in life. For example, I don’t drink. Forget getting high. Not that it is something very smart to do, but I don’t think never doing it is also very smart. I think I need to loosen up a bit. But, yes all this only after placements end positively for me.

I love the poems written by Pseudomonaz. I wish even I could write like her. They touch the right places and memories.

The way Gappa and her boyfriend have carried it through. I can never imagine having so adorable a relationship. *Anti-jinx*.

I guess I have figured out what I want to do after I pass out of the college. I know plans might not work the way you want to, but then what is the harm in keeping a frame of to do list in your mind. I want to adopt a girl child before I turn 29. I don’t know why the figure. And yes, it might be even before I get married. Which in India, is going to kill the chances of marriage altogether. I don’t really care. I know my family would support me as thy have always been there. However, I think the adoption laws have again been amended. I am not really sure what the law now says, but it has restricted single people opting for adoptions.

Okay enough of ranting and nonsensical talks for the day. Bear with me 😛

 

 

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Life as we think we know it….

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  • 378361_517524314940599_427866439_nI am back from Delhi. When I started off interning, I decided that whatever happens, I will never ever intern in New Delhi during winters. I am not a fan of the season and considering how cold it gets in Delhi, I knew I am never going there. But then, I had to and I did go. And, surprisingly, it was good. I am happy that I survived it and even bathed regularly 😛
  • I have exactly 11 months more of college life left. I don’t think I am going to miss the place much. Rash says that I am wrong. Everybody sings the same song while in college, but everybody misses it when it ends. I am not sure.
  • I will hopefully get placed this year. Please pray for me. I want to get placed as soon as possible. I can’t take the tension that comes with it.
  • I had too many clothes to wash when I returned. I am done with all the washing and cleaning. 😀
  • I think there is a point in life, when you just stop caring about some things. It doesn’t matter to you, what is happening. You just accept it, breathe and move forward.
  • Somehow I have started believing that whatever happens when you fall in love doesn’t really happen. That love is an illusion created by people who had no problems and issues in life. Much like the sociologists who kept on inventing new theories which nobody understands, but still everybody accepts to some extent.
  • I have lost weight. Crazy Shopper told me. I look thin. When I saw myself in the mirror, I thought I look more tanned. But, how can you get tanned in winters??
  •  I saw Life is Beautiful yesterday. It is indeed a very very heart touching and simple movie. Do watch it when you are feeling all negative about life.
  • I need to work on a lot of things. Study for placements, apply for internships, write papers. But, I am doing nothing. I hate when I want friends to be supportive and they end up spoiling my mood which leads me to do nothing all day long.
  • I started watching 24. It is a decent series with too much action and a good plot.
  • It has been so many days, that I haven’t read a good book. Sigh!
  • Sometimes, I wonder what do people who read my blog exactly think about me. I once read my blog with a stranger’s perspective. And I realized I crib a lot.
  • It is been more than 10 days that Rash and I are continuously fighting. We both tried hard to keep our calm, but I don’t think it worked. And I don’t think that it is going to work ever.
  • I am a footwear freak. I want a wardrobe particularly for my footwears when I buy a house with the money I earn after I get placed. Everytime I buy a footwear, I feel like I have done something very meaningful in my life.
  • I want to live with my parents after I get a job. I don’t want to get married ever. I hate the idea of living at someone else’s house with someone else’s parents.
  • I read this quote somewhere,” When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” I think I should start working on my inability to say NO everytime I do something that I don’t want to do.
  • The college authorities are putting LAN connection. The wi-fi things is going to be shut down. Crazy shopper told me that they can restrict our access more easily now.

I have too much to write about. But, nothing here is even close to what I think I need to talk about. I feel like I haven’t spoken my mind since ages. I just keep on listening to people, getting free advises in between (I feel like breaking the nose of the person), nodding and just passing all the time like that. I just hope this phase gets over soon. I can’t bear with the silence for too long.

Not Special Enough huh !!

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I was watching Nach Baliye current season (whichever it is) yesterday. I watched the part where (participant couple) a guy proposes to his girlfriend on National television. It was quite a shock for the girl and they were really cute together. She also said that she always had a complaint that her boyfriend never made her feel special. He never proposed to her, never gave any surprises etc etc and that is why the moment was really special for her and made her feel very special as well.

When I was with axe, I tried everything (as far as I think, never got to learn his views on the same) to make him feel special (read: wanted). I had these plans of meeting him, preparing this and that for him, making cards (I am good at it and I love giving cards, and getting them too) etc etc. I am quite sure I did everything possible for me, to make him feel that he is the one. With time I realised when you start giving too much in a relationship and it is one sided, you will always be taken for granted. This is what happened. And this is why I decided if ever again I go for a relationship, I will make sure I am not the only one who is doing everything.

I also learnt that maybe making the other person feel special is not always necessary. It is all about feelings, understanding, being there for each other and like. But then is it never needed? I don’t know. I have never felt special and I don’t think I will ever get to feel that way. So, I have no hopes, really. And, if at all it is about understanding and love, then how do you expect your partner to know/identify that you love him/her. FYI, I am not talking about showing your love in a material form. But do you expect him/her to love you in the same manner without you making sure that your feelings (love) is timely expressed and sometimes, just sometimes showered.

I am nobody to talk about love and relationships, as I don’t really have a decent history when it comes to any kind of relationships, be it friends, be it family or be it X, Y or Z. What do you think about this making him/her feel special? Have you done anything for your partner that made his/her day? Have your partner made you fall in love again and again with him/her after you were together? Or you feel it is not needed? If you do feel that way, then why?

Do tell me about your idea(s) of love and be loved. This is Valentine’s week, lets go through a variety of definitions of love. Lets try to frame it. Lets see if it exists. And if it does exist, for how long it manages to survive?

For the time being, Happy Valentine’s Week for all in love and for those like me, lets make sure that it does happen to us atleast once in this lifetime (for I believe it exists, it is just hard to find and the maintainance costs, dude don’t even bring it up!!)

😀

Letter to Dost-2

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I know I promised to write very frequently, but then you know how it is. When I have so many things to say to you, I can’t choose which one should I go for first. And all this choosing and prioritising leads to me writing nothing, thinking that I can deal with stuff on my own without sharing it. But, then I am wrong.

Sometime back I was thinking, what makes our relationship so special. I know we both never stressed over reasons much when it came to one another, but then really what is so special about you having me and me having you for all these years. People make friends, some lose friends, some fight and some simply choose to forget. What kept you and me together, what keeps that bond strong ?? I found some reasons, tell me what you think about it. 🙂

1. Expectations:

I never had any from you. And you never had any from me. What we had was understanding. You remember we never actually used the word “Expectation”. I don’t know people around me use it all the time. Instead of giving importance to knowing where the problem lies, what everybody puts forward is that you haven’t done what they expected you to do. It feels so ridiculous dost. Sometimes, it feels like what kind of people I am living with. All they know about is that they “expected” something from you, what they can’t seem to get into their mind is that they might also be not fulfilling my “expectations” (if at all I have any from them).

2. Care

I remember when you came rushing to my house to meet me, when I got chickenpox just before the board exams in 12th standard. You wouldn’t listen to me when I said don’t come. You will catch it too. You said it doesn’t matter. You just want to see me. I also remember your reaction when the washbasin fell on my foot in Jodhpur. You were unlocking your apartment door in Indore and I told you I got 7-8 stitches, I couldn’t see you, but I know you froze then and there. Your perpetual cold, gosh you would make me go mad, if you had that dark chocolate thing or just ice cream with patel at Top and Town. I used to get so angry and tell you this way its never going to get cured. And you would very obediently drink haldi ka dhoodh after getting back home. I miss those days dost. I miss you all the more.

3. Counting things

Have we ever counted things, things we did for each other. How disgusted I feel when someone does that in front of me. How small the relationship feels. I mean have you ever thought of doing it dost?? Isn’t it just too cheap. And if I go by figures, I would never be able to match whatever you did for me. Not that I am counting, but then I don’t understand when people do that. It is like we should nowadays keep account of everything you do for X, Y, Z. So that when they throw their figures at you, you should be ready for a counter attack.

4. Tit for tat

Have we ever done something, while fighting or while not fighting, something just because you did it for me or against me and now you felt like it is time for you to get back at me. It is like people are still in school or something. It is like whenever you got Silk for me, I should have got dark chocolate for you not because I know that you like it and I want you to have it or not because it is my way of showing my love for you but because you got it earlier for me so I should do the same. I get annoyed dost. I am so glad we never got into such dirty games.

5. Respect

You always respected me as a woman, as a friend. I could always feel your careful eyes on me. I always knew why you hold my hand in a particular manner when we are walking on the road. When you looked at the other guys on the street who stared at me like you will kill them then and there. You have never pushed or pulled me even when we were fighting in the drawing room of my house for fun sake. I always felt safe with you dost. I don’t feel that ways any more. This respect thing dost, I now realize is very important for any relationship. And is much much more important when you know it is not there.

These are just 5 things. Our special bond, exists because we want it to exist. We can never let go of each other for anything in the world. The more I meet new people, the more lucky I feel. Lucky that I have you in my life. Lucky, that I can count on you, come to you and you will be there for me with me just beside me. I promise you dost, wherever I go, what we have between us is never going to fade. I will protect us forever.

Love.