Demented !!

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Sometimes, I think I am an utterly foolish person. Something on the lines of, I was born this way. What I mean to say is that there are things I want to do, places I want to go, people I don’t want to talk to anymore, obligations I don’t want to fulfill, but since I want to save myself from fights, discussions and arguments I am blindly doing the exact opposite. I am so tired, so worn out with everything, I feel like I want to go to sleep. A long, uninterrupted sleep. And when I wake up, I no longer want to know the people I have known for the past 7-8 years. I want changed faces, new people, I want family beside me, I want somebody I can talk to without fearing the fact that they are judging me, I want to start all over again and be smart and tactful this time. Not be submissive and cautious.

There are things I want to do, but I just don’t move away from my bed. I keep on sitting in one position the entire day and do nothing except for looking at my laptop screen and blinking. My mattress has a slight dent where I sit. I don’t exercise, I don’t go out for walks. In all, I do nothing. It is so annoying. I feel so irritated at myself. It is like I have no motivation, nothing to inspire me anymore. I am just a mass of muscles, bone and blood. More like a crushed ball of paper or a severely kicked can of tin.

There are places I want to visit. I feel like pulling my hair out. Every body I know, every single person has some or the other plans. But, I have no money and no soul to accompany me. Yesterday, I thought what the heck, I will book tickets and just leave without anybody. Maybe this is what I want. To be alone. But, again I don’t think I am brave enough to travel alone. Last two months of the college are left, people say this time is never going to come back. All through my college life, I have never been to any place except for internships. I don’t even know the city I am studying in for 5 years properly. I haven’t even been to Sanchi or Bhimbetka or Khajuraho etc etc places which are just an hour or two away. I am such a loser. I realize I have always been one and thanks to my stars I will always be one.

There are people I don’t want to talk to anymore. I don’t know why I still do. On the top of it, I give excuses like, let me join the office or let me leave the college, after that I will just stop taking random bullshit from people, to calm myself down. When I look back at my college life, I feel it has been so dull, so boring, so crappy. I have wasted my 5 years doing nothing. I have gained nothing. What I have done is to try and save money (which never happened), trying to improve my grades (which never happened) and try (read : waited) to convince a guy to get in a relationship with me (which never happened). Imagine I wasted more than a year and a half over something so ridiculous and worthless, why Oh ! why am I so foolish?

And now, there are so called expected duties that I am supposed to fulfill. One which I am no where obligated to or inclined to perform. People stroll upto me and talk to me in a tone like I am their servant and I am supposed to answer their questions and help them out. I am very very frustrated.

I feel it could have been for good that I did not choose to pursue law. I should have stayed back at home, done something which didn’t require me to go to college. Why on earth, nobody stopped me from coming to this god foresaken place? 😦