Demented !!

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Sometimes, I think I am an utterly foolish person. Something on the lines of, I was born this way. What I mean to say is that there are things I want to do, places I want to go, people I don’t want to talk to anymore, obligations I don’t want to fulfill, but since I want to save myself from fights, discussions and arguments I am blindly doing the exact opposite. I am so tired, so worn out with everything, I feel like I want to go to sleep. A long, uninterrupted sleep. And when I wake up, I no longer want to know the people I have known for the past 7-8 years. I want changed faces, new people, I want family beside me, I want somebody I can talk to without fearing the fact that they are judging me, I want to start all over again and be smart and tactful this time. Not be submissive and cautious.

There are things I want to do, but I just don’t move away from my bed. I keep on sitting in one position the entire day and do nothing except for looking at my laptop screen and blinking. My mattress has a slight dent where I sit. I don’t exercise, I don’t go out for walks. In all, I do nothing. It is so annoying. I feel so irritated at myself. It is like I have no motivation, nothing to inspire me anymore. I am just a mass of muscles, bone and blood. More like a crushed ball of paper or a severely kicked can of tin.

There are places I want to visit. I feel like pulling my hair out. Every body I know, every single person has some or the other plans. But, I have no money and no soul to accompany me. Yesterday, I thought what the heck, I will book tickets and just leave without anybody. Maybe this is what I want. To be alone. But, again I don’t think I am brave enough to travel alone. Last two months of the college are left, people say this time is never going to come back. All through my college life, I have never been to any place except for internships. I don’t even know the city I am studying in for 5 years properly. I haven’t even been to Sanchi or Bhimbetka or Khajuraho etc etc places which are just an hour or two away. I am such a loser. I realize I have always been one and thanks to my stars I will always be one.

There are people I don’t want to talk to anymore. I don’t know why I still do. On the top of it, I give excuses like, let me join the office or let me leave the college, after that I will just stop taking random bullshit from people, to calm myself down. When I look back at my college life, I feel it has been so dull, so boring, so crappy. I have wasted my 5 years doing nothing. I have gained nothing. What I have done is to try and save money (which never happened), trying to improve my grades (which never happened) and try (read : waited) to convince a guy to get in a relationship with me (which never happened). Imagine I wasted more than a year and a half over something so ridiculous and worthless, why Oh ! why am I so foolish?

And now, there are so called expected duties that I am supposed to fulfill. One which I am no where obligated to or inclined to perform. People stroll upto me and talk to me in a tone like I am their servant and I am supposed to answer their questions and help them out. I am very very frustrated.

I feel it could have been for good that I did not choose to pursue law. I should have stayed back at home, done something which didn’t require me to go to college. Why on earth, nobody stopped me from coming to this god foresaken place? 😦

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6 thoughts on “Demented !!

  1. Awww… You sound very tired of your routine. I know how that feels like. You know what? As soon as your college ends, go on a small tour. There are trips for Lakshwadeep, Kanha ntnl park, some agencies have all women tours to Kerala, Kashmir, etc. My mom is planning to go on one. Have something to look forward to. You might feel better.

    • Yes, I am so tired and bored. I so wish these two months end in the blink of an eye. I might go to Bangalore in May, though I am not sure yet. You are right, I need to get out of here, do something different. Change my routine.

  2. My love, dont worry. It will be okay. Trust me, life is not so bad as it feels right now 🙂 As far as I know friends are very imp in life. Make friends and see where life takes you. There were times when I have been so lonely and frustrated but I have been on many solo trips. I go to watch movies alone etc. Its your life. If you dont live it, who will?

    Lots of best wishes

    CW

    • First of all, welcome to my space CW 🙂
      Yes, I totally agree with you. The day I wrote this post, I was so so negative and extremely frustrated. Friends are a very important part of your life and somewhere inside you also know who are the ones worth sticking to 🙂 Thank you so much for the encouraging words 🙂

  3. Oh God..its been such a long time since I read any of your posts..I don’t know why your posts never appeared on my reader…I have missed so much. 😦

    Anyways this particular post reminds me of my college life during B.tech… I hope you are in a better place now…happy and content. 🙂

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