Another Sad Valentine’s

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So, in another two and half months, it would be one year of not talking, calling, texting, emailing et al. However, I did break the rule and sent two emails to you. But, you are as always awesome when it comes to being a rigid ass.

Anyways, I have to tell you something. I want to tell you that it is difficult without you. Not be able to talk my heart out. It is getting worse. I have so much to tell you, so much to share. I can no longer keep an account. Initially I used to.

After you left, I have done things I now believe I shouldn’t have. But I was so fucked up (I am sorry for using the F word). And now I am at the brink of doing the exact same thing to somebody else, what you did to me. And talking truthfully and shamelessly of course, I realized how empowering it is to have somebody waiting for you. For your nod. For your smile. For you to say yes! I can see why you did, what you did.

However, I no longer have that love kinda feeling I guess. I am affectionate towards people. I am not in love with them. Like I was in love with you. Like you can blindfold me and I still know that there is nothing to fear. When I have to cross the road (and you know how pathetic I am) you always held my hand before crossing, making sure that I am not on the side of the road from where the traffic is flowing in. You remember how we used to eat together. How I loved cooking for you. How happy it made you.

Why the fuck you left? Why did you have to screw everything. I have these stupid tears flowing down, I can’t even type. A friend of mine once told me when I corrected him that you were a friend and not a boyfriend, he said “Who are you kidding? Nobody is so deeply affected when they lose a friend”.

I can now see how correct he was. I am a case of deeply affected idiot woman in love Rash. How could you possibly throw me out like this? I planned my entire life around you. What am I supposed to do now? People are celebrating Valentine and I am sitting here writing to you in the hope that you still read my blog.

You know I was watching a movie and there was a dialogue which went like “If you are able to see love in the eyes of a person, then its okay if he doesn’t declare it to you”. You remember I always told you I can see it in your eyes that you love me.

This is so burdening, so harsh, so unfair Rash. I did nothing to deserve this. I deserve to be loved, and so do you. I hope with time I will stop writing to you. I hope with time, you will become a flash, lightening kind of stuff, nothing that really exists and not moments I spent and lived.

Happy Valentine’s Day Rash !!

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Documenting life !!

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I always thought that surviving in this big mean world without Rash is not possible for me. But, it has been 9 months and we haven’t talked once since. We are doing great Rash 🙂

I have started taking small budget vacations recently. In the past four months, I have successfully been to four new places. Amritsar, Jim Corbett, Ooty and Jaipur. After Amritsar happened, I learnt how to not spend everything (most of the money) on shopping. Buy what you need. Don’t buy if you find it pretty, unless it is useful.

By the end of the fourth trip, my shopping excursions came to a minimal. I hardly shopped from Jaipur, in fact I came back with things others wanted me to get for them. This is a great progress. But, recently (only stating this as an observation) I have almost stopped shopping. Bought nothing in the past few months. The way I used to shop, the observation is a little shocking. And (fortunately/unfortunately) I am not missing it also.

I stayed with Gappa and Abhi for a week in Bangalore. It was great. It was a week of doing nothing but sleeping and eating, so much so that after returning I forgot my citrix password (the software which has all the database) and had to ask the IT guy for the same. He also couldn’t help but laugh 😛

My mom’s favorite panditji says I will get married next year. I find it hard to believe. Though you never know what’s in store for you, but marriage sounds too distant. Wedding reminded me that a good friend of mine from college got married in December. It was a good warm fun wedding to attend. I wish her all the love and happiness.

Gappa and I bought a medical insurance policy for Momsy and Popsy. It got rejected. I have to work towards finding another.

I was thinking yesterday of joining something similar to ‘Teach for India’. I can’t do a full time job, but I can surely make myself available on weekends. If anybody is aware of an organization that is doing genuine work, and needs people (I am an advocate, I can come handy) please let me know. I am doing my bit of research too !! 🙂

I think this is enough for the first post of 2016. I hope this year brings far more blog posts than the last year 🙂 Happy Blogging !!