So, in another two and half months, it would be one year of not talking, calling, texting, emailing et al. However, I did break the rule and sent two emails to you. But, you are as always awesome when it comes to being a rigid ass.
Anyways, I have to tell you something. I want to tell you that it is difficult without you. Not be able to talk my heart out. It is getting worse. I have so much to tell you, so much to share. I can no longer keep an account. Initially I used to.
After you left, I have done things I now believe I shouldn’t have. But I was so fucked up (I am sorry for using the F word). And now I am at the brink of doing the exact same thing to somebody else, what you did to me. And talking truthfully and shamelessly of course, I realized how empowering it is to have somebody waiting for you. For your nod. For your smile. For you to say yes! I can see why you did, what you did.
However, I no longer have that love kinda feeling I guess. I am affectionate towards people. I am not in love with them. Like I was in love with you. Like you can blindfold me and I still know that there is nothing to fear. When I have to cross the road (and you know how pathetic I am) you always held my hand before crossing, making sure that I am not on the side of the road from where the traffic is flowing in. You remember how we used to eat together. How I loved cooking for you. How happy it made you.
Why the fuck you left? Why did you have to screw everything. I have these stupid tears flowing down, I can’t even type. A friend of mine once told me when I corrected him that you were a friend and not a boyfriend, he said “Who are you kidding? Nobody is so deeply affected when they lose a friend”.
I can now see how correct he was. I am a case of deeply affected idiot woman in love Rash. How could you possibly throw me out like this? I planned my entire life around you. What am I supposed to do now? People are celebrating Valentine and I am sitting here writing to you in the hope that you still read my blog.
You know I was watching a movie and there was a dialogue which went like “If you are able to see love in the eyes of a person, then its okay if he doesn’t declare it to you”. You remember I always told you I can see it in your eyes that you love me.
This is so burdening, so harsh, so unfair Rash. I did nothing to deserve this. I deserve to be loved, and so do you. I hope with time I will stop writing to you. I hope with time, you will become a flash, lightening kind of stuff, nothing that really exists and not moments I spent and lived.
Happy Valentine’s Day Rash !!