Programmed??

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I thought I have always been a hard core romantic woman. I love flowers, dinner-dates blah blah blah. But, then I realized a relationship just doesn’t come with smiles, kisses, promises and i love you’s. It comes with what is your problem, don’t you talk to me like that and when it gets worse, it turns to I am fed up of you or I just can’t take this anymore.

Many few couples I suppose are successful in surviving those worse moments. I know a few of those few couples. Misunderstandings happen every now and then. Isn’t it? What makes you swim across such problems is your love??, understanding?? or maybe after a point of time you programme yourself to sail through it. Maybe because you can’t let go of the person or because you are too used to such fights now.

I still wonder what my reason to stick by him is? Is it because I can’t let go of him or is it because I am just too tired to solve issues between us? I don’t know. But, what I surely know is that a carrying a relationship is no cake walk. I knew it earlier as well, and had somewhere given up the idea of falling in love again ever. But, when I decided to jump off the cliff, because people convinced me that it doesn’t hurt to try again, I realize maybe it is too soon. Maybe I am still not ready. Maybe I got too comfortable in the singles lifestyle.

Or maybe maybe I am just not the woman I was before. I have turned into a practical, none of your business, I hate cooking and cleaning bitch. I guess this is what suits me more. Why can’t for just 10 days or a week, why can’t I feel that I have a good relationship. That I am in love. That I am feeling good about this. 

Relationship and people after a point of time get comfortable with each other. But, isn’t that after a point of time? When you are all newly committed, then you are not supposed to feel tired and out of place, Are you? Is this all normal?

What is it, that is going on in my mind? I just want to be out of here and go home. Yes, this is what I need home. People I call mine, people who love me and never judge me, people I would always prefer to go back to, whatever happens, wherever I am.

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Sick and Tired :'(

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I am fed up. I can’t do this anymore. And now I am very sure I don’t want it. If this is how it is making me feel even before it started full-fledgedly, I shiver at the thought of how it would be after that. So, from today onwards no more expecting, sharing, being a friend. From today, it is about me and just me. I don’t care what you are going to think about me or if you would be angry. Because I don’t deserve such behaviour. Your behaviour has confirmed one thing for sure, all men are the same and there are no exceptions whatsoever.

I swear I will never call you again. And I will make sure that you never see me ever again.

Are there any break up rules?

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We have all been heart broken atleast once in life. Hey, if your heart was never tossed around, played with or just well simply ignored, then I guess you belong to the rare lucky breed of women and men on this planet. Take a bow ! And all of you who have faced the bad guys and girls out there, have put up a brave face and survived, hats off to you !

So, what really should people do, when you know you decide to separate your respective ways to lead a more comfortable, easy and uncomplicated life? How do you manage your days or how do you reschedule everything you used to do with him or her till date and decide to do it all alone? The big question is are there any rules you abide by? Have you followed a particular kind of a lifestyle after you broke up in order not to feel terrible about your sudden singularity? Or putting it up more clearly what have you done to not miss him? Are there any standard techniques you must follow?

Honestly, I don’t know. But, even in my case, I have done or followed things I would have never done while with him.

1. I started thinking about him as a very bad guy. True, he was not honest and stuff, but still he had some nice qualities I couldn’t ignore. But then, I decided to ignore every sweet thing he ever said to me. I thought so many negative things related to him, that now I sometimes get confused if what I think is right or if I am just making it up.

2. I directed my attention to other available single guys. But, this actually doesn’t always work. When you have already dated someone for quite a long time, then there is an invisible standard set in your mind. And if the guy you are now sitting with doesn’t even match a single standard, read it as a warning and run! (In the opposite direction of course).

3. People say talking about it makes you feel good. Not true. Talking about it makes you feel like shit. Above all, talking about your break up with your friends who are happily committed makes you feel like the most undesired, ugly and unpalatable.

4. Cry. Cry about it while sleeping, while studying, while bathing while doing anything and everything. Cry even if his name is mentioned in front of you. Cry if you see a couple happily engaged, cry if you see someone proposing, cry cry and cry. I guess it does help to an extent.

5. Abuse him. Call him and let him know of your vast knowledge of newly learnt abuses. Try it on him. This might however lead to a very very bad end. You might even feel guilty afterwards. But, it is good if you are really angry and you want to take it out on him. This surely helps, but momentarily.

6. Take revenge. Find out his weak points and make a plan to throw it back in his face. This also might end in a very bad manner, because what if he also turns revengeful. Doesn’t seem to be a very good idea. But, if you think you can wait, then always remember revenge is a dish best served cold.

7. Forget about everything and move on. Act like it doesn’t matter and get on with your life. This is hard. Actually very hard. I guess this doesn’t qualify to be on the list.

8. Forgive. This is even harder. I wouldn’t recommend you to try it. Although if you can, then do it. It will relieve you. But, personally I believe planning revenge is more satisfying.

9. Change. Change your contact number, your address, change everything. Run like a ninja if you see him or crash into him accidentally.

10. Be friends with him. This is not at all to be tried. It is because if he dates somebody else in front of you, you will burn like a phoenix inside and you can’t help but smile. The only alternative is to find a date before he does and show off. Well, isn’t that too much pain for a guy/girl with whom you don’t want to be with anymore.

So, what did you do to get over him? Is there anything in particular that you followed? List it. Or on a totally different note, do you even believe that any such rules exist or should exist or you are totally against them? We might be helping a depressed soul out there !!

P.S.- (i) Wherever, he/his/him has been used, it is understood to include she/her.

(ii) Some guys have a rule that they never abuse women. So, they don’t need to go through point 5.  Though, I fail to understand that while abusing they do it in the name of women (Teri maa ki and all).

(iii) I know it is Diwali time and I shouldn’t be posting such depressing stuff, but I have got nothing better to do. So bear with me please.

 

 

Teach me to ignore you !!

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When I get close to a person, he/she becomes my habit. I don’t know why this happens, he/she consumes a lot of my time and suddenly the habit of having him/her around me turns into a bad habit. And if later, due to any reason I have to part with the person, I just cannot stand the distance. However, recently I have realized that this bad habit of letting people hover around you and then suddenly let them leave  a space, a big blank space in your life is not just a bad habit, it is letting them take you for granted.

I let this thing happen with axe for a very long time. And now the same thing is happening with Rash. I know I know he has started working and all. But, you can call a person next day when you see missed calls on your mobile phone or atleast leave a message that yes he did see my missed call and yes his eyes coordinate with his brain and decipher that there is a missed call because somebody (specifically I) called you.

So I decide everyday that fine, I won’t call him. But, me being me, like me being the biggest ass ever, end up calling him and he as always end up not receiving my call. Everything is still digestable till this point, but then not calling me back, or picking up the call while insanely sleepy is something which irritates me like anything. This gives my imagination and assumption making powers a giant leap and I end up thinking that maybe he doesn’t want to talk anymore and he is just ignoring me in order not to hurt me (how considerate, ain’t he?), or maybe I am no longer the kind of friend he might want to roam around with or be in touch with any longer (because I know he met some cool sounding chicks in his office and stuff like that),or maybe because I don’t know how to eat with fork and knife and I don’t have those sophisticated mannerisms  he always wanted to teach me. In all I don’t know and I am angry.

And what I want to do is, ignore him as well. I don’t want to call him, I don’t want to receive his call, if at all he calls and I don’t want to wait for his calls. I want to pretend like I too have a life and I am not going to sit and wait for his calls or think all day what I want to share with him when we talk or make any plans with him or for him. I even plan to change my mobile number so that he can’t reach me, but the problem is I remember his contact number, and the problem is with me and not with him. Also, even if I delete his contact number, it is embedded like a gem stone (not that I consider him like one) in my memory.

Please Please tell me how do you ignore people? And I am not doing this just because I am angry, I sincerely want to learn this trick.

P.S.- You might thing that I am such a kid and the poor guy might just be a little busy and stuff, but since I am angry and I have been calling him and I am feeling bad, everybody is going to be on my side. Ok? Ok!

Cheerful Farewell !!

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So you really are leaving me. Eh?
You have finally decided to join the office in Gurgaon.
Umm quite frankly I don’t like it. In fact I hate it. I hated it more when you came to meet me and left just ten minutes back and I couldn’t help but watch you leave. 😦
People will say don’t be stupid, this is life. You meet people and you leave people.

But, wait this post is supposed to be a cheerful post. Because you are taking up on a totally new life. You have your first job in hand and you will start earning from this month onwards. Do you realize how it feels? 😀

It feels awesome because now I have another person beside Popsy and Gappa, I can go behind asking for kharcha pani 😉 You have turned into a total angel from today 🙂

Apart from the technicalities, I wanted to say so many things to you, but then you have to board the train and so I am posting all what I want to say. Ok?

Starting from, telling you that I am happy, I am very happy for you. I am not the only one who will have to drag her ass to class from monday onwards, you also will get up and go to office 🙂

1. I am happy because you will now be able to do what you have always wanted to, when you get a job. Buy that Ricliner chair for uncle and the pretty chanderi sari for aunty.

2. Don’t think too much, for everything that comes your way might not be perfect, and I tell you what, it doesn’t have to be. Who wants a perfect life anyways? That’s kind of boring. Always remember, if god doesn’t let you have that perfect thing, it means he believes that you can handle the harder part of life. It means that he believes you are capable of taking risks. 🙂

3. Also, never forget those who were there for you when you meet new people. I know I know you are not an ungrateful person, but it might happen with time.

4. Drink. If you feel like doing it, then do it. For I believe you will hate it anyways. So go ahead. Or wait I will be there in January 😉

5. Flirt. Please. Please flirt. And tell me your great great * got slapped/kissed/ignored stories* I will be waiting.

6. Plan holidays. Firstly, because you are terrible at making plans and secondly because I like people who go on holidays.  And how can I forget the road trip dreams, you have always wanted to go on a road trip. Right? Then plan some awesome road trips 😀

7. Be the way you are. Don’t turn into a greater sadhu. Be the same chotu sadhu aadmi that you are. Enjoy life as it unfolds and embrace every moment like there is no tomorrow. Live bloody live 😀

8. Have sex. hahaahahha. Please. And tell me how it was. 😉 Ok ok don’t tell me, but…!!!

9. Try all those weird things you wanted to. Bring it on your plate. And challenge yourself that even if it tastes yuck, you will finish it up. Please don’t try crocodile and stuff, I will die.

10. Make money. Save money. Invest money. And be wise. Don’t be extra alert and cautious. You have your whole life to do that.

11. Learn to gamble and then teach me. No no you don’t need to gamble. I want to learn it.

12. Miss me. Yeah I know you will, and at this point I remember you forwaded me a message once, that “I don’t need to remind you to remember me, because you always do.” That was kind of sweet. 🙂 But, that doesn’t mean that you don’t have to miss me. Thik hai?

Now, when you are going and going pakke se, I want you to read this,

“If there is one thing I hate, it is to accept the fact that you are leaving,

If there is one thing I hate, it is that I cannot do anything about it.

You have graduated from the college you dreamt to study in,

I hope the new life brings fantastic new friendships, happy adventures and journey of a life time 🙂

to the bike rides, punjabi tadka maggie, late night calls, gmail chats

to the ruthna and manana,

to the crying, to the sorry’s,

to the dhansu, fodu and gazab friendship we share !!!

to the guy you were and the man you have become”

I will miss you like anything Rash 🙂

You mean a lot to me 🙂

Failed you !!

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Disclaimer– This post comes out of frustration, waiting and crying. I know it seems kind of an attention seeking post, but I had no one to talk to and I can’t keep things inside me. I felt the need to get this thing out of me. Do not read if you think you are a happy person. It is a request.

When I got into 10th standard, I had this weird confidence within me. I was never scared of anything. I could very well face things in life (not that there were really big things to face, it was just usual study stuff). But, still I remember being self-confident, uptight and happy.

Then, I got into 11th standard. It was good. It was how it was supposed to be. I used to study, attend coaching classes, bunk classes and be with friends.

12th standard came and nothing changed. Except that now I had a boyfriend. I used to wait weeks, sometimes months to talk to him as I owned no personal cell phone. Things were going fine or maybe I just tricked myself into believing that things were fine. Four years went by and I broke up. On a bad bad note.

All this while, there was only one person I used to be close to and that was dost. He knows everything and knowing everything he still kept on trusting my trust in him. But, eventually I even lost dost. We don’t talk anymore. Next, college life happened and I met new faces. It will be four years in college as well, but not one person whom I could call a good friend. Not that it is their fault. But, wait I met Rash in college. He is someone I could always count upon.

What I realize today when I look back at the last five years of my life, that I have gained nothing as compared to what I have lost. I have lost some very close people. People I never imagined would go away from me. Leave me. Turn their back on me.  People whom I always thought would be there with me lifelong. I know you might be thinking that I am expecting a lot from life, that things don’t always happen the way we want them to, that there might be no further road beyond that turn you took, that everything in life comes with an expiry date and that you lose people.

But, what remains in my mind is a question that why always I am the one at the losing end? Why always people leave me and I don’t leave them? Why is it that I cry over people and the other person doesn’t seem to care?

Is it because, I am the one who always makes mistakes?I am the one who is always wrong? I am the one who deserves to be left?

Yes, I guess so. So today after parting from another close friend, I accept the fact that there is something wrong with me within me. That everytime I think this person is never going anywhere, God slaps my face for a reality check. I promise myself from today onwards, I am never going to get close to anybody. No matter what No matter how inviting the friendship part looks. Never. I don’t want to carry with me a list of ruined and failed relationships. I swear to god, no more close friends from this day onwards.

The Bad Sister…. :(

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Sometimes I feel I am a very bad sister…..not because I fight a lot and get angry over small small things….its because I fail to understand my elder sister.

The problem also lies in the fact that we both think very differently. She is the elder one so she thinks about everybody and everything before making any decisions. And, I am the younger one, so I feel that beyond our parents and her obviously I don’t need to think about anything else while doing or saying something. I am 22 years old…and still she thinks that I am immature and that I cannot make smart decisions. I understand that age has got nothing to do with maturity, but I fail to understand that every time something happens between both of us…a fight or even a small argument…how come it results in me being the evil sister.

I came to Bangalore about one month back for the purpose of internship. I wanted to intern in Bangalore because my sister works here. So, I thought that we can spend a quality sister time together which we haven’t from quite sometime since she works in Bangalore and I study in Bhopal…which leads to us meeting only twice a year. Before coming to Bangalore, she told me that I would be living for one month at my relatives place and one month with her. I was fine with it as long as I was getting to live with her. But then, I don’t know what happened and she told me that I will have to live at the relatives place for both the months. I agreed to that as well, since we could catch up on weekends. But, there are only four weekends in one month which makes it to total 8 days and I am in Bangalore for two months which makes it 16 days….this is even less than the number of days I spend with her when she comes home. So what was the use of coming all the way to Bangalore from Bhopal and not even getting to meet her satisfactorily.

We fought recently and I suppose this is the biggest and the worst fight we ever had. I am not feeling good. I now know why she asked me to stay at relatives place and i agreed to it with a complaining tone since nothing else can be done about it as the paying guest houses in Bangalore are scary. But whenever, I meet her and its time to go back to the relatives place, I feel like crying. I want to be with her. And this is what I want her to understand and also somewhere I expect her to listen to my cribbing because I think she understands that I don’t like to leave her and go. But, this isn’t going the way I expected it to. She doesn’t seem to understand the cribbing part and me being the “read my eyes and understand what I feel” kind of stupid woman don’t want to express it. This has gone to the level when we don’t talk anymore but exchange e-mails. I can’t even cry since I am not at my home or hostel. I just feel that by not letting her know what I am feeling, I am hurting her to the extent which may not be repairable.

I don’t want to be a bad sister. I want to be the angelic, understanding and helpful sister. I want to take all her miseries away. I want to see her married and happy. I want to cut the throat of her boss and show her that she shouldn’t mess with my sister. She is my darling sweetheart elder sister and I lover her like anything. I am sorry di….for hurting you. But, I guess sometimes its too late to say sorry, sometimes you are not anymore forgiven just because you are the younger one….sometimes when you turn your back on someone, they will turn their back on you too….sometimes its just not anymore the way it was 😦