All about new struggle(s) – 2

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I have been working with the law firm I got placed with via the campus placement cell in college. It has been two years since I joined this place and no doubt I have learned a lot here. However, I also know that I can do much more to improve my performance in office but somehow the motivation to do the same and the zeal to establish myself amongst my peers is lost somewhere. Mostly because I was recruited to work in the indirect tax practice of the firm and I knew nothing about it before joining the place. And the difficulty I faced in the first six months of joining to understand the subject and grab a hold of it shook my confidence and killed the eagerness to learn this new subject.

After two years and one promotion later, I am in a position where most of my peers have left the organization and are working in other law firms at of course a far better pay. Before the annual appraisal this year, I was also of the opinion that once the promotion list is declared, I will start pushing out my CV. However, I have certain doubts in my mind as to why should I switch? So, I just thought I will list down the pros and cons of this place and the pros and cons of shifting from here. This will help me decide if I Should stick for another year in this place or not.

Pros of working at the current place of work:
1. Lot to learn
2. Good and helpful people
3. Friends
4. Amazing principal partner
5. No deadline pressure
6. Decent pay
7. People think that it is the best place to be after GST is introduced.

Cons of working at the current place of work:
1. Much less remuneration as compared to other places (is not enough if I plan to buy a house)
2. No growth and learning in terms of acquiring knowledge in different areas of indirect tax
3. Stuck with the same team same boss
4. Uncooperative boss
5. Boss has confidence and leadership issues which percolate down to the junior most person in the team.
6. Come on time and leave only after 7, even if there is no work.

Pros of shifting to a new organization:
1. Good remuneration
2. Other firms have one team for indirect tax and every member gets to do everything. So no monotony in terms of learning and growth.
3. If there is no work people leave early and come late.
4. People are more chilled.
5. Most friends have already left.
6. I will learn to work efficiently as there are not many levels between the partner and the associate in tax teams of other organizations.
7. It is wrong to assume that people in other places are not knowledgeable enough to deal with GST.
8. Get rid of the current boss.

Cons of shifting to a new organization:
1. People may not be as good and as helpful as the people in the current place of work
2. It would be difficult to do work in the initial phase as I am not aware of other areas of indirect taxes except one.
3. Deadlines are sacred in other places

Well, so this is it I suppose. I have jotted down whatever I could think of. I will keep editing this post as and when I come across any other point. Technically, the number of pros for shifting suggests I should. But I will think some more and then decide.

All about the new struggle(s)

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So, on the 14th of June I received a call from Momsy (and she never calls during the day) that Popsy met with an accident while on his way to work and he has fractured his right leg. I thought and thanked god that it was only a fracture and nothing serious. I left for home the same day and reached around midnight. Dost came to pick me up, he dropped me to the hospital and there I saw my Popsy on the bed with a fractured leg and a critical but not so critical cut on his ankle.
We stayed in the hospital for four days and in the meanwhile Gappa and I consulted other doctors as to the requirement of inserting a rod in Popsy’s leg because the attending doctor in my hometown was of the opinion that the fracture does not need any rod business to be performed.

However, all the doctors with whom we consulted after looking at the X-ray opined that this fracture needs a rod. So we finally decided we will go for it and with Momsy and Popsy I came to Baroda for the surgery after talking to the orthopedic doctor over the phone. This orthopedic doctor also turned out to be really good looking also. I am writing this down just so I do not miss out on any kind of information.

So the surgery took place the very next day of our arrival and thereafter the only thing to be kept under observation was the cut on the ankle. It has been more than a month since the accident happened and the ankle cut has healed a lot. The fracture in the bone has also started healing and the only complication that remains is the plastic surgery that was performed on the fractured leg. My Popsy has a skin problem called eczema because of which the skin just above the fracture turned black and needed to be replaced by a flap. The eczema results in a slower blood supply in the veins and this is why the recovery is a little slow.

But I am sure he will be up on his feet in two month’s time. Playing with the kids in the building and doing all the chores normally. We are still in Baroda and are expecting to get discharged in the middle of August. I hope everything goes fine and we are back home as soon as possible without any worries.

For are you a strong person?

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It is a highly idiotic attention seeking post. Please do not read it. And I mean it.

I wonder when do you qualify to be considered as a strong person?
1. When you stop caring about what other people think or believe about you?
2. When you no longer feel the itch of calling the person you are in love with?
3. When you stop working/delivering because it doesn’t matter what your boss or his boss thinks or perceives about you?
4. When you do not know if the current organization will kick you out, but you still have the guts to dream of buying a house?
5. When you are unable to concentrate on updating your CV, because of no reason whatsoever, so that in case you are kicked out, you can start applying to new places?
6. When you stop worrying about the fact that an action or certain words might hurt somebody?
7. When you are almost 27, and have zero investments?
8. When you know that it is for the best that you stay alone, away from everybody so that most of the things mentioned above do not occur?

I know my life’s issues are nothing in front of millions of people who struggle for a lot of things every second of every day. I also know that I am as always ranting. But, I feel so done with a number of things in my everyday routine that I just can’t help but put this idiotic post up here.

The only interesting thing that has happened to me in the last few days, is that I have received a warning by my ex internet service provider that if I do not pay up their dues, they will send a legal notice to me. I was so bored that I told them please do. Be my guest.

PS – Do not and do not if you love your money and time, take internet connection from Tikona Digital Networks.

I hope you have a good day ahead !!

Another Sad Valentine’s

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So, in another two and half months, it would be one year of not talking, calling, texting, emailing et al. However, I did break the rule and sent two emails to you. But, you are as always awesome when it comes to being a rigid ass.

Anyways, I have to tell you something. I want to tell you that it is difficult without you. Not be able to talk my heart out. It is getting worse. I have so much to tell you, so much to share. I can no longer keep an account. Initially I used to.

After you left, I have done things I now believe I shouldn’t have. But I was so fucked up (I am sorry for using the F word). And now I am at the brink of doing the exact same thing to somebody else, what you did to me. And talking truthfully and shamelessly of course, I realized how empowering it is to have somebody waiting for you. For your nod. For your smile. For you to say yes! I can see why you did, what you did.

However, I no longer have that love kinda feeling I guess. I am affectionate towards people. I am not in love with them. Like I was in love with you. Like you can blindfold me and I still know that there is nothing to fear. When I have to cross the road (and you know how pathetic I am) you always held my hand before crossing, making sure that I am not on the side of the road from where the traffic is flowing in. You remember how we used to eat together. How I loved cooking for you. How happy it made you.

Why the fuck you left? Why did you have to screw everything. I have these stupid tears flowing down, I can’t even type. A friend of mine once told me when I corrected him that you were a friend and not a boyfriend, he said “Who are you kidding? Nobody is so deeply affected when they lose a friend”.

I can now see how correct he was. I am a case of deeply affected idiot woman in love Rash. How could you possibly throw me out like this? I planned my entire life around you. What am I supposed to do now? People are celebrating Valentine and I am sitting here writing to you in the hope that you still read my blog.

You know I was watching a movie and there was a dialogue which went like “If you are able to see love in the eyes of a person, then its okay if he doesn’t declare it to you”. You remember I always told you I can see it in your eyes that you love me.

This is so burdening, so harsh, so unfair Rash. I did nothing to deserve this. I deserve to be loved, and so do you. I hope with time I will stop writing to you. I hope with time, you will become a flash, lightening kind of stuff, nothing that really exists and not moments I spent and lived.

Happy Valentine’s Day Rash !!

Documenting life !!

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I always thought that surviving in this big mean world without Rash is not possible for me. But, it has been 9 months and we haven’t talked once since. We are doing great Rash 🙂

I have started taking small budget vacations recently. In the past four months, I have successfully been to four new places. Amritsar, Jim Corbett, Ooty and Jaipur. After Amritsar happened, I learnt how to not spend everything (most of the money) on shopping. Buy what you need. Don’t buy if you find it pretty, unless it is useful.

By the end of the fourth trip, my shopping excursions came to a minimal. I hardly shopped from Jaipur, in fact I came back with things others wanted me to get for them. This is a great progress. But, recently (only stating this as an observation) I have almost stopped shopping. Bought nothing in the past few months. The way I used to shop, the observation is a little shocking. And (fortunately/unfortunately) I am not missing it also.

I stayed with Gappa and Abhi for a week in Bangalore. It was great. It was a week of doing nothing but sleeping and eating, so much so that after returning I forgot my citrix password (the software which has all the database) and had to ask the IT guy for the same. He also couldn’t help but laugh 😛

My mom’s favorite panditji says I will get married next year. I find it hard to believe. Though you never know what’s in store for you, but marriage sounds too distant. Wedding reminded me that a good friend of mine from college got married in December. It was a good warm fun wedding to attend. I wish her all the love and happiness.

Gappa and I bought a medical insurance policy for Momsy and Popsy. It got rejected. I have to work towards finding another.

I was thinking yesterday of joining something similar to ‘Teach for India’. I can’t do a full time job, but I can surely make myself available on weekends. If anybody is aware of an organization that is doing genuine work, and needs people (I am an advocate, I can come handy) please let me know. I am doing my bit of research too !! 🙂

I think this is enough for the first post of 2016. I hope this year brings far more blog posts than the last year 🙂 Happy Blogging !!

 

 

 

 

Amritsar and much more :)

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A lot of things happened this year. I went on my first all girl’s trip to Amritsar 🙂

I found the Wagah border ceremony a little over-rated. The beauty of golden temple is beyond words. I loved it so much that I don’t mind going back to Amritsar only to visit the golden temple again. Not every religious place fills you with peace and happiness about everything that life has to offer. It is a must visit.

My next trip is Jim Corbett on the first weekend of November. I hope it is not disappointing. December brings a trip to home, Bhopal and Bangalore 🙂

I have realized that it is actually fun to have one trip to a near by place in a month. If that is not possible atleast you should get out once in three months or something. It is not tiring at all, in fact in my case I keep on counting the days for the next trip.

Traveling is something I have never taken up. It is something I always thought requires you to convince people, prepare a budget that suits everyone and then book the tickets (also reaching there is not so important as coming back :P). But with a bunch of friends who are eager to travel, are fine with decent stay away rooms and like exploring the place in every way you can, you should never miss the opportunity of making a plan.

I am sure everybody is prepping up for the festivities to come. Dusshera is just a few days away. Then it would be Diwali and then Christmas 😀 I am happy that these three months have a lot on offer. Specially, things I am eagerly looking forward to. I am crazily excited about giving Momsy and Popsy their respective gifts for Diwali. Also, its Popsy’s birthday in the same month. His first gift would be delivered this week. And then, gifts for Gappa and Abhi when I am in Bangalore. Momsy and Popsy’s faces light up like that of a kid when you surprise them with something they aren’t expecting. I love that expression. That is the primary reason I love shopping for them.

I was in Bhopal recently. I am happy to have the same feelings for the place even when my stint with that place is over in every manner whatsoever. I love the city. The greenery. The lakes. The peace. I love being with my masi. She is adorable 🙂

I hope everybody has a fun and safe Diwali 😀 Let us try and not kill whatever little is left with us in the name of nature.

Demented !!

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Sometimes, I think I am an utterly foolish person. Something on the lines of, I was born this way. What I mean to say is that there are things I want to do, places I want to go, people I don’t want to talk to anymore, obligations I don’t want to fulfill, but since I want to save myself from fights, discussions and arguments I am blindly doing the exact opposite. I am so tired, so worn out with everything, I feel like I want to go to sleep. A long, uninterrupted sleep. And when I wake up, I no longer want to know the people I have known for the past 7-8 years. I want changed faces, new people, I want family beside me, I want somebody I can talk to without fearing the fact that they are judging me, I want to start all over again and be smart and tactful this time. Not be submissive and cautious.

There are things I want to do, but I just don’t move away from my bed. I keep on sitting in one position the entire day and do nothing except for looking at my laptop screen and blinking. My mattress has a slight dent where I sit. I don’t exercise, I don’t go out for walks. In all, I do nothing. It is so annoying. I feel so irritated at myself. It is like I have no motivation, nothing to inspire me anymore. I am just a mass of muscles, bone and blood. More like a crushed ball of paper or a severely kicked can of tin.

There are places I want to visit. I feel like pulling my hair out. Every body I know, every single person has some or the other plans. But, I have no money and no soul to accompany me. Yesterday, I thought what the heck, I will book tickets and just leave without anybody. Maybe this is what I want. To be alone. But, again I don’t think I am brave enough to travel alone. Last two months of the college are left, people say this time is never going to come back. All through my college life, I have never been to any place except for internships. I don’t even know the city I am studying in for 5 years properly. I haven’t even been to Sanchi or Bhimbetka or Khajuraho etc etc places which are just an hour or two away. I am such a loser. I realize I have always been one and thanks to my stars I will always be one.

There are people I don’t want to talk to anymore. I don’t know why I still do. On the top of it, I give excuses like, let me join the office or let me leave the college, after that I will just stop taking random bullshit from people, to calm myself down. When I look back at my college life, I feel it has been so dull, so boring, so crappy. I have wasted my 5 years doing nothing. I have gained nothing. What I have done is to try and save money (which never happened), trying to improve my grades (which never happened) and try (read : waited) to convince a guy to get in a relationship with me (which never happened). Imagine I wasted more than a year and a half over something so ridiculous and worthless, why Oh ! why am I so foolish?

And now, there are so called expected duties that I am supposed to fulfill. One which I am no where obligated to or inclined to perform. People stroll upto me and talk to me in a tone like I am their servant and I am supposed to answer their questions and help them out. I am very very frustrated.

I feel it could have been for good that I did not choose to pursue law. I should have stayed back at home, done something which didn’t require me to go to college. Why on earth, nobody stopped me from coming to this god foresaken place? 😦